Hello Everyone!

We're finally here. It's 2021! We just gone through one of the toughest year ever. To be very honest, for me 2020 isn't that bad after all. 2019 was a lot more harder for me. I'm just going to let everything out today..

2019 was so freakin hard for me. I cried so much in 2019. During the new year eve of 2020, I don't feel anything. It's just another year to me, no hope, no goal(s), no plan(s) or whatsoever. I'm in despair. There's so many things on my mind. I let my thoughts and feelings consumed me. I felt so down, so so down you have no idea. I'm not happy, I lose hope and interest in lots of things. Entering February with corona virus, how do you think I felt? Someone who don't even want to get out of bed now have to face another world problem, I actually felt numb about that. I was like "ahh another problem?".

March and I started working from home. Felt like hell. Up until now, January 2021.. but

Yesterday during the new year eve, I look back at 2020 and I feel like it wasn't that bad after all. Staying home for such long time eventually let me heal. So here, I just want to list some self reflections I've done.

Mental Health

First and foremost, I'm learning about mental health. I learned how to take care, deal and prioritize my mental health. I finally told my parents (through whatsapp) how I actually feel, my mom was very worried. I felt sorry to her. My dad told me that one of her close friend is a founder of mental health association and suggested to me to set an appointment with her. I was going to do so, but she's actually so busy and I ended up didn't get to meet her. I don't have this expectation that I'll actually will meet her because I feel like maybe I'll just take care about it myself first. No, I'm not self diagnosed myself, I just wanted to take of this matter on my own first and when I'm ready, I'll try to seek a professional help. Maybe. 

Also I found (not really) a dairy but I wrote some thoughts and quotes there, one that really caught me was a phrase of "I'm a daughter hiding my depression". I wrote that back when I was seventeen, where I have no idea what depression really is. I remember that I was sad for some times during that age but the fact that I wrote the word depression without knowing the real meaning of it, without knowing that it's an actual illness. Again, I'm not self diagnosed myself but really why do I wrote such things? Now, when I found out about the real deal of depression and mental illness, I.. I don't know. I feel like yes I was sad and felt so lonely back then, but I don't think if it's that worse to the point I'm having depression. I felt sorry to myself that I let myself being depressed for such long time and just find out about it recently on the internet because people just started to talk about it a lot publicly. Still, at least it's an awareness now. I'm thankful.

Physical Health

During late 2019, I've visited a GP because both my left hand and leg are in pain and the GP asked if I ever fall before. I said no because I couldn't remember. He prescribed me with some nerve medicine. I'm confused and worried. He said if give it some times and if the pain come back, do visit the clinic and he will further this matter to hospital. Later some times in 2020, the pain comes back and it was during the movement control order (mco) where Malaysian wasn't allowed to go out unless it's very necessary. Again, I am clueless. I don't know what to do. Honestly this pandemic made me paranoid and anxious. I'm scared to go out. I didn't visit until it's December. The GP asked me why it took so long for me to come and I just said I was busy when literally I'm not that busy. Well actually I was busy, busy with my own thoughts. The GP prescribed me with the same medications and told me it wasn't that serious because I still can lift my hand, it's just I felt a little bit uncomfortable doing so. He said it may takes months or even year to heal and I must take good care of both my left hand and leg. I was so into hiking and running but the GP advised me not to involved in such activities anymore. I'm sad of course but things happened and I need to move on.

Struggle and Self Care

I've trouble to eat on time. I've trouble to sleep at night. Both my eating and sleeping schedules extremely ruined and I do nothing to fix them. I figured that I should stop ignoring myself at the second half of the year. I should try to take care and listen to my body. Slowly, I started doing my skincare and haircare routine again. I do some research on how to gain body's weight and I'm sharing them here if anyone struggling with weight loss :

1. Eat on time and do not skip your meal. Eat your breakfast, lunch, dinner and supper meals.
2. Eat more fibers. For example, having oat or whole grain bread during breakfast. I don't eat white bread anymore because it's contain more carbs than fiber. Besides, whole grain bread is healthier. 
3. Eat 1/3 portion of proteins, 1/3 carbs and 1/2 fiber for lunch and dinner. Since I'm the type that easily losing weight and hardly getting them back, I've increased my carbs intake too. So for this one, it's depends on your body. Keep it mind that one of the most important thing in your diet is vegetables or fibers in general.